The Young Man And The Pipe
by fabiansgoldwatch
Summary: The Marauders aren't sure what they hate more, James's Head Boy badge or his new pipe. After James' pipe gets confiscated, the rest of the Marauders refuse to help him retrieve it from Filch's office. What choice does James have but to ask assistance from Lily Evans?


**Chapter One: ****Not The Worst Choice**

It started with a pipe. During the summer between sixth and seventh year, James Potter had acquired the ridiculous habit of smoking a pipe wherever he went. His friends had mocked him tediously for this, saying that only old men smoked pipes. The pipe mocking had to come to a quick stop, however, in August, when James received a shiny new badge.

"Head Boy?" repeated Sirius, when James had told him.

"I know. I thought the exact same thing. But I've done all sorts of revealing charming on it," said James through his pipe, holding up the red badge in his hand, "And it doesn't seem to be cursed or anything. I think this might be a legitimate Head Boy badge."

Sirius let out a low whistle. "So you're Head Boy?" he asked.

"Don't be ridiculous. I never said that. All I meant was that this isn't dark magic."

"So if it's not a Head Boy badge and it's not dark magic, what is it?"

"Well, it's obviously a mistake. Dumbledore meant to send this to some other poor bloke," said James, before taking a puff on his pipe.

And yet, the first of September rolled around, and James received no further word from Dumbledore to correct his obvious mistake in sending James the head boy badge. By the time he was standing on platform nine and three quarters, ten minutes before the Hogwarts Express was scheduled to leave, James had begun to fear that no mistake had really been made.

His friends had found this hilarious.

"I think you should put the badge on now," said Remus.

"I don't know what you're so smug about, Moony," snapped James. "You're a prefect."

"That's wasn't really a surprise thought," said Peter.

"Lupin's the good boy, isn't he?" added Sirius.

"Exactly," said Remus, "Now where's that badge?"

Two minutes later, Sirius had charmed the badge onto James' forehead. Sulking, James took out his pipe and began to smoke.

Surprisingly enough it was the pipe-smoking and not the badge, which drew Lily Evans' attention. She approached the boys curiously.

As soon as James saw her, he shot his friends a look.

"We'll go find a compartment," said Sirius, leading Remus and Peter away.

Once Lily reached James he was standing alone.

"Potter, are you aware that there is a pipe in your mouth?" she said.

James spat the pipe out of his mouth and into his hand dramatically.

"Merlin, Evans," he cried. "I had no idea!"

But her eyes had travelled upwards and she was now gaping at the badge stuck to his forehead.

"Why is there a Head Boy badge on your forehead?" she said.

"Ah, that'd be because I appear to be the new Head Boy," he said.

"But why is it on your forehead?"

"I'm very proud of my new position."

Lily laughed and said, "Well, that's good."

"It is?"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with a bit of enthusiasm," she said. "I'll see you on the train."

"You will?" asked James.

"Yeah, we've got to instruct the prefects." She dug into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a red badge, almost identical to the one on James' forehead, except instead of 'Head Boy' it read 'Head Girl'. "We match, see?"

James' eyes widened, causing his forehead to crease and the badge to move further up his face.

"This actually might not be so bad," she said. "Dumbledore could've chosen worse."

"Thanks."

"See you in a bit?"

He frowned as she left, placing the pipe back in his mouth.

* * *

After tracking down Sirius and threatening to hex him if he didn't remove the badge from his forehead, James made his way towards the prefect compartment with Remus.

"She said that I wasn't the worst choice Dumbledore could have made," muttered James to Remus as they walked. "I think she's taking a liking to me."

"Really?" said Remus. "If you say so."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, look, Katie Hughes has cut her hair."

James scowled but allowed Remus to avoid the question for now, largely because he was almost certain he would not like the answer.

* * *

About an hour or so into the train journey, Lily joined her friends in their compartment. She'd been desperate to impart the news of James Potter becoming head boy and so was disappointed to find Denise dozing off against the window with a fast asleep Saba drooling on her lap.

Denise Aubrey and Saba Shafiq had become Lily's sole close companions since a fateful day in fifth year when her previous best friend, Severus Snape, had revealed his true colours in front of the whole school. It had probably been just as well; the friendship had been far too unhealthy for her liking. Denise and Saba were far nicer. Not to mention they looked rather adorable while sleeping together.

Unfortunately for the two girls, they were nowhere near adorable enough for Lily not to shake them both awake before taking the seat opposite, waiting expectantly for their attention to turn to her.

"Morning," said Lily brightly as Denise shot her a dirty look and Saba nodded mindlessly while attempting to go back to sleep on Denise's shoulder.

"Oh, come on!" cried Lily, causing Saba to start. "I've got some really exciting news."

"Is it about Katie Hughes' haircut?" asked Denise. "Because we've seen it already. It's awful, isn't it? I mean, doesn't she realise that it's longer on one side?"

Saba caught Lily's eye and sighed; Saba did not approve of Denise's constant negative comments about everyone and anything.

"Oh, stop acting all high and mighty," said Denise, picking up on Saba's behaviour. "You laughed when I said it earlier."

"Maybe I did, but I doubt that was Lily's news," reasoned Saba. "Was it, Lily?"

"It really wasn't," said Lily. "Now are you two quite finished having a domestic? I have news about the new head boy. "

"I hope it's not Gordon Tugwood," said Denise.

"That short Ravenclaw prefect? Why? What's wrong with him?"

"He's always trying to catch us snogging," explained Saba. "It's really weird and disgusting. Denise hexed him once when he kept staring at us holding hands in Madam Pudifoot's."

"Oh!" cried Lily. "I remember that. I thought that was a fifth year."

"No, I just got confused because he's so short," said Denise.

Lily nodded to show that she understood the confusion before saying, "Anyway it's not him." She paused for dramatic effect. "It's James Potter."

Denise let out a bark of laughter which she tried to conceal with a small coughing fit

"Merlin," said Saba, talking over Denise's coughs, "How did that happen? Do you think Dumbledore's had a funny turn?"

"I honestly have no idea," said Lily.

"No, I can see why Dumbledore would've chosen him," voiced Denise.

Lily and Saba both shot her disbelieving looks.

"Weren't you just pretending not to laugh?" asked Lily.

"Well yeah, but it wasn't because I couldn't believe he was Head Boy. It was only because I find it funny whenever you get all worked up over James Potter. "

"Is this about your weird conspiracy?" scoffed Lily.

Denise had become convinced that Lily fancied James Potter ever since third year when James had made an average joke over breakfast and Lily had laughed so hard she had spilt her pumpkin juice all over Peter Pettigrew's lap.

"It's not a weird conspiracy," said Denise. "You definitely fancy him."

Of course she was right, but Lily was not going to admit that. Instead she sighed and looked to Saba for guidance. Saba was pretending to be asleep, her head lolling against the back of her seat.

"Saba, give me a hand here," pleaded Lily.

"Nice try, Lily, but Saba agrees with me."

"I refuse to get involved," said Saba, not opening her eyes.

"Don't be such a Hufflepuff," said Denise. "You told me you thought she fancied him just before we broke up for summer."

Saba, her eyes still firmly shut, held up three fingers and said, "Firstly, I am proud to be Hufflepuff .There's nothing wrong with belonging to a house that doesn't feel the need to shout and have the world agree with every little thing." Denise opened her mouth to argue but Saba, now holding up two fingers, continued, "Secondly, I only said that I didn't think Lily fancying James Potter was very far-fetched. And thirdly," she put down yet another finger, "I refuse to get involved."

"Well I suppose that's that then," said Lily.

"I don't know when she got this difficult," sighed Denise.

"I suppose it's your influence."

Denise shifted closer to Saba and whispered in her ear, "If you love me, tell Lily I'm right."

"Bugger off," she muttered in reply.

Denise turned to Lily and sighed, "I think you're right. I'm rubbing off on her."

* * *

James gazed out of the window, not taking in a word his friends were saying. If he had bothered to listen then he would have heard Sirius and Peter discussing the questionable burns to the arse they had both received when they had asked out Jill Chen (two different occasions). There was some argument over whether they had been hexed by Radley Smethwyck, who was quite obviously in love with Jill, or Alex Chen her scarily protective older brother. Either way they both agreed that it was unfair that anyone get involved in Jill's romantic matters other than Jill. Although it should be noted that Jill had turned them down quite quickly with very little remorse.

Suffice to say, James was not missing out on much by ignoring the conversation. Until, unfortunately, Remus pulled him out of his daze.

"You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah you've been dead quiet since you got back from Head Boy duties," said Sirius, leaning sideways on Peter to allow himself more room to lounge. Peter promptly pinched Sirius' shoulder.

"I've been thinking," said James.

Sirius interrupted, "Have you been thinking about getting rid of that bloody pipe?"

James bit down defiantly on the pipe he had forgotten was in his mouth before saying, "Absolutely not. Now what have you lot been rambling on about?"

"Do you remember those burns me and Sirius got after we asked out Jill Chen?" said Peter.

"The infamous arse burns?" asked James.

"Yeah we were wondering what hex it was and if we could possibly find out and use it on Snivellus," explained Sirius.

"Sounds like a plan to me," said James. "But am I allowed to do that now that I'm Head Boy?"

"I don't think you were ever allowed to do it," pointed out Remus.

James faltered for a moment before throwing his pipe at Remus in retaliation.

* * *

As the journey reached its final hour, Lily, Denise and Saba were growing bored of exploding snap.

"Can I ask you a question?" said Lily.

With an almost grateful sigh Denise threw down her last card and waited for Lily to speak. Before Lily could ask the question, however, the pile of cards exploded and the edge of Denise's cloak got singed.

Saba made to help her girlfriend put out the small fire but instead she started laughing and fell backwards.

"What is it?" asked Denise, turning towards Lily. Lily noticed what Saba had seen and started laughing too. "What is it?" she repeated.

"Your eyebrow," spluttered Saba between laughs.

Upon inspecting her reflection in the window, Denise let out a small yelp and began attempting to magically tend to her now-half-missing right eyebrow. Eventually she was left trying to cover the disaster by brushing her fringe over it.

"As I was saying," continued Lily once Saba had stopped laughing and Denise had stopped faffing about with her hair, "I said this thing when I found out James was Head Boy and I'm worried it came off a bit weird."

"Did you confess your undying love?" asked Denise, so entertained by the fact that Lily had brought James up again that she had almost forgotten that her right eyebrow was only half as long as usual.

"What did you say?" said Saba.

"I told him that he wasn't the worst person Dumbledore could've chosen. That wasn't rude was it? I didn't know what else to say!"

Denise grimaced and said, "Oh, sweetie, I don't think coming off as rude is what you should be worrying about. It sounds like you were flirting."

Lily looked to Saba for assistance.

"I'm really sorry but I have to agree with Denise here. It sounds a bit flirty," said Saba.

Lily groaned and, bringing her legs up to meet her chest, buried her face in her knees.

* * *

After a rather intense wrestling match which consisted of James against all three of his best friends, James was once again reunited with his beloved pipe. A brief silence settled as the boys gained their breath, until James' curiosity prompted him to break it.

"Okay, can I ask your opinion on something?" said James, directing his question towards Peter and Sirius.

Peter nodded which was all the encouragement James needed.

"Okay, so Lily said something to me which has got me thinking I might be growing on her, but Remus thinks she hates me."

"I never said that," snapped Remus.

"What did she say?" asked Peter.

"That I wasn't the worst choice for Head Boy."

Sirius winced and said, "Shit, that's harsh."

"Harsh?" said James. "How?"

"That's what I thought," cried Remus. "I'm really sorry, Prongs, but it's not really a compliment is it?"

"Yeah, to be fair, a slug still probably wouldn't be the worst choice for Head Boy. Can you imagine if Dumbledore had chosen someone like Snivellus or Tugwood?"

Frowning, James removed the pipe from his mouth and placed it in his pocket.

"I still don't understand why you don't just ask her out so you can know for sure," said Remus.

"I have asked her out," replied James.

Sirius scoffed, "Once. And I'm not gonna lie to you, Prongs, your timing wasn't exactly impeccable."

"And who knows," said Remus, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, "Maybe she'll be drawn to your new pipe."

* * *

**AN:** this is just a silly, short multi-chapter based off my headcanon that James had a pipe at some point. I hope you enjoy it

Let me know what you think :)


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